UKG Girls-um, Bullies-um, Pinne… Njanum

For the convenience of non-malayalee readers :
English Translation of the title- The Trio of UKG Girls, Bullies & Me

And there I was walking around like a ball, not knowing when I would fall just like that adding more marks to already scarred knees, or when I would be picked on by hideous bullies with their neat pleated hairs and ribbons, or when I would be given a good beating with a wooden scale using its edge (sigh!) for not doing the homework.
– My 1st standard to 3rd standard was a terrifying experience to the point that the first thing I think, after I enter the school is, ‘Which teacher is going to scold me for what?’
It is not often that one thinks about his/her primary school with such contempt, disgust and not to mention fear. Sadly, my initial school days have been nothing short of a “Vasanthiyum Lakshmiyum Pinne Njanum”.

(For my Tamil readers, it is the original Malayalam movie from which Vikram’s Kasi was inspired. For my non-Malayali, non-Tamil friends, it’s a movie that is so tragic which puts even Sanjay Leela Bhansali to shame. That story for some other day.)
From Left to Right : Vikram in Kasi, Kalabhavan Mani in VPN
From Left to Right : Vikram in Kasi, Kalabhavan Mani in VPN

But one thing which has deeply affected me is the ragging / bullying, whatever you want to call it, by my “girl friends”. Boys, guessing by your countless rants from Facebook and Twitter and 9gag, I assume that by now you would have understood that girls are mean. Sadly, I had to learn that lesson a tad too earlier, when I was just 6 years old. *tears*
Though I do not exactly remember their names certain girls are so close to me that my 6 year old heart used to pump a hundred times faster on hearing their names , of course , due to fear – Jiji, Kirthi and five or six other typical malayalee names enough to give me a heart attack at that time.
Even worse, if I trace my bullying history, that is , me being the victim of being bulllied and not the other way round, it was in UKG (for the love of god! ). It was in UKG that I tasted the bitter essence of  bullying. The ghoulish irritating girl who used to sit right next to me in her nauseatingly pinkish uniform always scratching her head to soothe the pain afflicted up on her by lice of various kinds, whom I will be referring to as Lady L, was apparently my friend. (Memory fades. I still have no idea why the hell I was sitting with her.) And then there was another girl next to her whom I will be referring to as lady D, D for Dakini,

(can’t understand? go read Balarama and Kalikkudukka. Still don’t get it? Can’t help you, it’s not my mistake you were not born in Kerala)
Daakini, Kuttoosan and Luttapi on a Kuntham
Daakini, Kuttoosan and Luttapi on a Kuntham

about whom I remember nothing, other than the fact that she tortured me as a kid. The italicisation is to enhance the effect and convey the unquantifiable amount of torture I experienced, if you did not understand that subtle formatting.
Where was I? Yes.
Premise: UKG Classroom
Main Characters : Me, Lady D, Lady L, and a horrible teacher (HT) [= I remember her face even now, always a sullen set up , just like Mamata Bannerjee]
One fine afternoon, when the summer heat was pleasantly warm, ah who cares about the weather? I told my confidants, Ladies D and L, that HT is a bad teacher. Simple, short, nothing more, nothing less, since she is always in a foul mood, I told them she is a bad teacher. It is such a short adjective, people don’t even consider that as a negative word now days. Bad polum, meh! If you also think the same way I do, you are wrong. Out came a song from both their mouths, with their index fingers moving rhythmically up and down along with their hands. And I heard it for the first time –

“Ayyayyo , Paranju Kudukkam , paranju Kudukkam, teacher-deduthu paranju Kudukkam”

and like some ancient pagan ritual they chanted the phrase in a synchronous tune for god knows how long !
Finally, me being me, asked their forgiveness (Yes, I still don’t know why.) The Ladies finally agreed on a compromise. They said, if I am ready to completing their homeworks on time every single day since then, they may re-consider their decision to inform the higher authorities about my particularly nasty comments. What can Manmohan Singh do when Sonia Gandhi and Jayalalithaa forces thing upon him? I accepted. *sad music*

I really don’t know when this particular arrangement ended, I don’t even remember me doing their homeworks, what I do remember is asking, no, requesting them to stop this. The response was the same song, you know, “Ayyayoo….” , yeah the same stuff.
What did I learn from this, you ask? I did not learn anything, then.  But now, when I look back, I learn 2 things – 1. I was a pathetic fat guy. 2. Kids , however cute and smart they look like, are evil 100% .
P.S. -The holy-Satyameva Jayate-souls who are concerned about my anti child rants, you can please enquire about the way to hell and do the needful.
P.P.S – Foreign kids in photo because, if you search in Google for a normal picture of kindergatren going Indian kids, you get to see everything from Sushmita Sen to Arbaaz Khan. Hence the stock photo !
P.P.P.S – Really, the kids are evil.

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